If I Can’t Also Look At My Dark Stuff, Then I’m Just Faking It

By Eilat Aviram

Being a parent can either be a distraction from the goal of becoming the shining, glorious beings we inherently are or it can fast forward you towards it. I learned this when I became a parent and lost my mind and my self-control a good few times. It all depends on what you do with it. The clay is there, what are you going to make from it?

Knowledge is power, said Foucault famously. The way I see it is this; everything in my life offers me insight into myself. It offers me knowledge. I have to admit right up front, that there have been times I really, really didn’t want the knowledge I was being offered about myself. Like those times I behaved in ways I’d rather just forget about and move on from. You know what I’m talking about I’m sure (at least I hope you do otherwise it’s just me who does that which would be just SO awful). My children would know what I’m talking about anyway. In fact they could probably list some of those times for you – “Mama remember when you shouted at me the other day? And the other time you shouted, and the other time… Oh yes and when you grabbed the toy out of my hand yesterday? And when you didn’t listen to me even though you said you would…”

The deepest secrets about yourself are most available in the times your child does something that instantly angers you and you just can’t anymore. They whine and cling to your leg, they don’t listen, they moan about what you are doing but don’t take responsibility for the fact that they did it first dammit!

You see what I mean? Moments in which I behave like a child in response to their childish behaviour – which could be ok except that they actually are children whereas I’m… well biologically I’m not.

I have to see those nasty bits of myself too if I want to be all holy and enlightened and remember who I am. Because shadow is always there alongside the light – that’s the design, yin and yang. If I can’t also look at my dark stuff, then I’m just faking it and there’s nothing inspirational about a fake is there? Not for my kids and not for the world. When I honestly take a good look at my un-saintly parts – unpleasant and painful as that may sometimes be – I have the chance to see where they come from. And when I can see that, I have the information I need to not only survive life, but thrive in it. Those parts are the guides to my wholeness and that’s what will make me the kind of parent and person I most want to be.

So maybe those parts are not so nasty and un-saintly after all? Shadow, after all, enhances light.

I’ll explain more about how this works in the next Monday post but what do you think so far?

Are you allowing yourself to look at both the dark and light parts of yourself?

And your partner’s?

And your children’s?

And let’s not forget your own parents’ dark and light sides…


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  1. What do I feel about this? I feel it is a great post! I would say, however, let us look at both sides of ourselves and acknowledge that they both exist in balance, yin and yang, dark and light etc. Let us not be in denial, spouting parenting platitudes while not acknowledging, if not to others then to ourselves, our own struggles, weak spots, areas for growth (since NONE of us are perfect). But let us also not become fixated upon those same spots, in either ourselves, or in our partners or children. Some of us have an innate tendency to see the ‘sh1t’. A balanced and honest and searching inventory of ourselves (can you tell that I do a step programme lol!) is what is called for, I feel. In fact, that tendency to just see the negative can also be one of our dark spots, as it increases the cycle of hate, loathing, guilt and shame. I’ve made a lot of progress in this, for sure there is always more to do, but reading this, I feel happy about how far I have come today. Thanks Eilat!

    1. Eilat Aviram says:

      Olivia that’s such a lovely addition. Maybe I need to follow this up with a “looking at the light side of yourself as a parent”… Yin and Yang are both precious. Congrats on how far you’ve come 🙂

  2. Eilat, I always enjoy your blog so much. You’re not alone – I definitely have those “bad parenting” moments when I wish I could take back what I’ve just said! Or how loudly I’ve shouted… It’ doesn’t feel good! I feel the best I can do in those moments is to make peace with my imperfectness as a mother and also to model how to repair the damage by acknowledging my behaviour was not right and by apologising to my child for losing my temper and explaining that I’m tired or worried or whatever the underlying reason is. I hope that at least it helps them in those moments when they act in ways that they’d rather not.

    1. Eilat Aviram says:

      Thanks for the support!
      I am also pro-apologising when I’ve behaved in a way I’m unhappy about. I see grown children of parents who did that and they have a peace about their parents’ humanness that seems really healthy.
      Maybe it’s that their parents owned their dark AND their light which gave their children permission to do the same.

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Eilat Aviram is a Daring-Decisions Teacher.

She's worked with people for 25 years as a clinical psychologist, hypnotherapist, best-selling author, speaker and energy-healing teacher and she is passionate about helping people dare to love themselves in their moments of decision and find the courage to live their truth.

Eilat Aviram