What if your needs clash with someone else’s?

By Eilat Aviram

I’m in this really unpleasant moment right now where I’m doing something that’s really important to me – and it’s making someone else very uncomfortable. And slightly angry.

My insides are tight with anxiety about making this person so unhappy with my actions.

I prefer harmony. I like co-operation. I need mutual support.

And I’m not going to get it here.

This person just really disagrees with my choices.

My heart-and-soul inspired choices.

The ones that make me feel joyous and purposeful and alive.

What I’m choosing feels threatening to them. It’s not how they’d do it, they don’t see it as important, they wouldn’t invest so much time and energy into it…

It’s an intense moment to practice what I teach.

I recently said to my group, “You are allowed to be inconvenient for people.”

They really struggled with that idea.

I get it.

So do I.

Philosophy says, “The right to swing your arms, stops at someone else’s nose.”

So where is that line? At what point does someone else’s discomfort decide how we manifest in the world?

When must we shape ourselves to soothe other people’s fears?

Where is the point of compromise, and what do we compromise on?

I so dislike this point of confrontation, where I see my actions are causing someone distress. I’m a therapist for goodness’ sake! My whole life is dedicated to easing people’s distress and fear. It’s very uncomfortable for me to cause it.


Am I causing someone harm?

No. Challenging paradigms and triggering fear, yes, but harm? No.

Would it serve them if I stopped what I’m doing?

No. It would cater to their fear. I would be subliminally sending the message that I agree they cannot handle it. And it would bring dishonesty into the relationship because I’d have to pretend to be something other than I am. And I’d resent that.

Would it serve me if I stopped?

No. It would be denying who I am and what is expressing through me.

So, if I loved myself, what would I choose to do now?

I would not stop what I’m doing. To me it has meaning and purpose.

To stop would be to agree to deny my existence in the world.

If I loved myself, I would acknowledge that it scares me to displease someone. I’d hold my own hand as I keep walking forward towards what I know is right for me WHILE expressing compassion and care for the person who is being so deeply challenged by my actions.

I would love us both as we stretch and grow in this scary but necessary terrain.

To stop because of this person’s fear, or my own fear of displeasing them, would diminish us both.

I won’t do it.

I love pleasing people, but I love helping them grow much more. Myself included.


Where are you also currently stretching into scary terrain in your life?

If you loved yourself, what would you say to yourself about it now?

Let me know in the comments or reply to this mail. I love hearing how it’s going for you.

leave me a comment. i'd love to know What you think.

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked

{"email":"Email address invalid","url":"Website address invalid","required":"Required field missing"}

Eilat Aviram is a Daring-Decisions Teacher.

She's worked with people for 25 years as a clinical psychologist, hypnotherapist, best-selling author, speaker and energy-healing teacher and she is passionate about helping people dare to love themselves in their moments of decision and find the courage to live their truth.

Eilat Aviram