This is the painful wail that erupted from me the day I had a shocking realisation.
In a deep meditation, I suddenly clearly understood that a belief I have,
a belief that was ruthlessly imposed on me in my childhood,
a belief that has caused me so much pain,
that has been the reason I turned away from my own inner Truth so many times to make sure the people around me were pleased – or at least not angry –
this belief that ‘I need to get it right’,
might never go away.
“It may change. It may not.”
That’s what my inner guidance told me.
And then I sobbed.
Proper head lolling back, stooped shoulders jerking, snot running, SOBBING.
It was SO hard to accept.
“What do you mean?
I’ll work on it. I’ll change it. I don’t want it!”
But the training of my childhood goes deep. It was all-encompassing, the awareness that I must at all times get things right for my environment if I want to stay safe.
That’s not something easily vanquished.
It may change. It may not change.
Like so many of us, I was born into an environment that strongly trained me to be a people-pleaser.
Clearly, I am here to work with that, right?
Yes, this pattern causes me pain and difficulty, but is it a reason to not love myself?
Well, a part of me apparently believes it is.
Because it’s not ‘perfect’.
“I should be over that. I should be able to easily bypass that now and follow my Truth unapologetically.”
I mean, I really don’t like this belief because it traps me sometimes. It makes me feel stressed. It makes me do things that aren’t what I really want to do. So, if I look at it that way, I guess it’s a threat to my well-being and I want it gone.
Ok, I get that…
But pushing myself to be ‘perfect’… isn’t that just the same thing?
Aren’t I just trying to get it right for this new environment of ‘self-developed human’?
It’s conditional self-love.
Wouldn’t the REAL healing be to love myself EXACTLY AS I AM?
With this belief.
Realising that I may always have this inner urgency to please my environment, it sort of shattered my harsh striving to ‘get it right’ by being ‘perfect’ – whatever the heck that is! Because I’m never going to get there, to that vision of perfect that’s been implanted in my mind.
If there’s no point striving for it,
I’m free to live my life,
a little scared and vulnerable,
and loved by me.
For exactly who I am.
The real healing is to stay with the imperfection of you.
To accept that you have these deeply ingrained ways and beliefs
that may make your life harder
and you wish they were gone…
But they are part of you.
They are part of your history, your upbringing, your culture, your training.
You are working hard to learn to do different
and they may change, and they may not change.
Don’t be conditional in your self-love.
Say this to yourself out loud now.
“(Name), I love you as you are. With all the things I wish were different. If they were different I wouldn’t be me. I am here to live as me. WITH all that I am. I love you. Thank you for all the choices you make. Thank you for trying so hard, even though you are already just fine as you are. I love you as you are. I am taking the pressure off. You don’t have to be anything other than you. You are loved. You are safe. You are free.”
I’m cheering you on.
Let me know how it goes?