This is my first ever blog. I so want it to be perfect. I really, really do. I had all these plans and ideas about how I was going to do this. I would sit and really think through what I wanted my blog to be about – I mean on the whole not just my first one. I want to be clear about my intention and send through an honest energy. I was going to get just the right host for my blog, get it designed… basically I was planning to have a whole lot of perfect things going on with it. I’ve been really excited to get going. I love writing. Since I finished my book I miss writing about the daily trials and riches of parenting. And sometimes weird and wonderful things come up in my therapy room and I am left thinking thoughts that go nowhere – so I want to get writing again. A blog. It sounds so romantic. You sit and type all your thoughts and feelings and send them out into the ether where other like-minded folk find comfort or annoyance in your drivel and you connect through comments… but who could help me do all this loveliness? I don’t know anything about setting up a blog.
Life obviously heard me wondering and sent my friend over – my friend who didn’t know I wanted to start a blog. Almost out of the blue he said, “Let me come over and set you up a WordPress page”. Can you believe it? Actually I didn’t even know what a WordPress page was but he seemed to think it needed to be done so I said, “Ok”. He came over and half an hour later there it was. My blog to be. All set up, explained and ready for me to write in. So I froze. But, but, but… I didn’t think it would be right now. I’m not quite ready. I’ve got the intention and clear energy part done – I think – but there’s all the other stuff. I haven’t written the About Me section or what the hell this is all about. This isn’t how I planned. What will people think? That stuff is supposed to come first and then when it’s all set up I’d start writing blogs. I was going to be the one who decides how and when. Not like this. It’s not all themed as I’d like and I don’t know what half the options are and I have to first set up a proper professional (rather than personal) Facebook page and sort out my LinkedIn… Wait, WAIT! “Oh”, says the Universe to me, “Thought you wanted to blog?” Oh. Yes, that’s true. I did. Hmmm…
My blog has now been titled and left empty for a week. Ok so it was a very busy week of finishing my book proposal to send it off to an agent who actually asked to see it!! But I know the truth is also that I’ve been stalling – ‘cos I can feel that panicky feeling underneath the excitement and I sure do have a lot of excuses why not to start yet. But I digress. Which is not perfect. See? This reminds me of my first birth. I had all these plans and fantasies. I would have candles and music, fragrant oils and gentle support. What actually happened was me pacing in the dark on my own for 15 hours before anyone had the presence of mind to call the midwife who then screeched in through the door 30 minutes before my son did. I remember that moment when she arrived and immediately crouched down next to me – by then I was on my all fours butt in the air desperately trying to hold the baby in. She coached my breathing and suddenly I was awash with a sense of relief, “Oh thank goodness! Someone here knows what to do”. Because I really, really didn’t. Like now. This birth isn’t going at all as I planned and I want a blog midwife. I really, really do. My friend did help a whole lot by setting up the birth space. But like with birth, at the end of the day, I’m the only one who can do it. So, like every freaking moment as a parent reminds me, there is no ‘perfect’, there is only now. What do I want to do with my now?
Well the truth is I want to write a blog. But my blog isn’t all set up yet and I haven’t explained anything to anyone about who I am or what my book is about or what my (mostly) thought-through intentions are. But is there ever really ‘the right’ time to start or do you at some point just take that first step? This morning someone proudly told me that she’s one semester into a diploma course that she’s been putting off for ages. “If I had stayed deliberating if to do it and when I would have still been stuck there. Now I’m one semester in already!” Ok, ok I get it. It’s time. Perfect or not. I can fill in all that other stuff as I go along. I know writing here will help keep me sane. And hopefully inspire others to dive deep with me into the madness that is known as parenting to find the hidden treasures below the surface. To quote Ani Difranco, “Let’s show them all how it’s done. Let’s do it all imperfectly.” Anyone for a swim? I’m going in.
Comments are very, very welcome.