When he was four my child had a phase where he would feel deep hurt and frustration if anyone questioned his opinion or knowledge or authority. If someone asked him, “Are you allowed to do that?” or “Go ask your mother if that’s ok” he would get very hurt. Not upset, hurt.
If anyone even misrepresented him in someway he would be quick to correct them. I was chatting to someone once and laughingly told her how he had dropped a whole lot of glitter on the floor. He was standing nearby listening to my story and he angrily interrupted me and tearfully stated, ‘NO Mama! I didn’t drop it or let it fall when I opened it. I shook it while it was open and that’s how it fell out!” It was very important to him that his exact experience of his world was validated.
It happened quite a bit for a while so, wondering what this was about and wanting to best help him through this I thought of my own experiences of feeling not seen or heard and I followed the feelings of deep hurt that came with that. The feelings took me deep into myself, remembering times as a child when I had not been heard or seen and those old wounds become apparent to me. There were rather a lot of them and they really hurt to see.
As I reviewed my old memories and talked to my young self to explain and offer love and support now, I found I could suddenly easily hold and engage empathically with my child when he had those hurts – because I really understood.
So then – because the fear was about not being seen and respected as an individual who has thoughts and feelings and desires in the world – we were both seen and heard so we both found healing and the pain passed for him. Just like that.
Clear your own stuff and it clears around you in your world too. This conscious parenting stuff is like magic 🙂
