Yesterday I had a wonderful conversation about possible names for this blog. The ideas became progressively outrageous until we were rolling around crying with laughter.
We had some good ones; Nasty Little Messiahs, Light Side Of Trouble and then we just couldn’t – or wouldn’t – move off titles with variations of the word ‘crap’ – Holy Crap, Good Shit, Good Clean Dirt, All That Crap, Life’s A Load Of Compost…
Soul Compost was lovely, but it’s taken.
I had lots of fun.
Then I went to sleep and couldn’t switch my brain off. Whirr, whirrrrrr, chewing over titles, grinding out ideas, sorting, rejecting, pondering, coming back to the question “What is my message?”
“Go to sleep!” I commanded myself. Whirr, whirr, whirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Things are fun until at some point they’re not. It’s useful to take note of when something is no longer pleasant. I reached that point. There was pressure behind the need to solve this riddle.
So I asked myself, “Myself, what is this about?” and Myself answered, “Pleasing people. Getting it ‘right’.”
Yesterday the theme of pleasing others was very present in other’s tales. I’m afraid to say no to them. Why? What if they don’t like me anymore. I’m living a double life. Why? They won’t understand and they’ll cast me out. I tell lies when the truth is inconvenient. Why? I’m scared they can’t handle the real me and they’ll leave. I should have known I was going to get a dose of it myself.
So why? Why do I need to get it right? To please others?
When I was younger I was once in a situation where two very dear people were actively pulling on me in opposite directions. I tried and tried and tried to please them both. In the end I was so stressed that I broke away from them both. An excellent move in retrospect. But the memory of that never left me. Why? Because it was an impossible situation. Whichever way I turned I would disappoint someone. Whatever I chose would show me up as someone who wasn’t good enough in some way and isn’t that the fear that lurks beneath our need to please?
And now here I bloody am, putting myself in the same bloody position. VOLUNTARILY! What am I, nuts?!
You see, in making it so public that I’m choosing a new name I have opened myself wide to be seen. For starters I’m bringing change and that makes people uncomfortable. Now I will choose a name and direction and some of you will say, “Ah what was she thinking? That other one was much better. Maybe she’s not who I thought she was. Maybe she’s actually quite different to me. I don’t know that I like her so much anymore.”
I’ve gone and risked my good name for a good name!
I followed what felt good and right at every moment of this and here is where it’s taken me. Back to a point of pain where my choice will leave someone disappointed. Where showing my choice shows who I am and that may shatter someone’s illusion of me. Ain’t it funny? This is how it works though, right? Returning over and over to the lesson we want to master. Different levels, different variations.
At this point I’m so grateful to myself for all the inner work I’ve done because yes, I’m a bit stressed and my mind is whirring but I was quick to spot it because I noticed the shift into unpleasant, it was quick to understand I’m trying to please others because I live more and more for my Self, it is relatively easy to let go of wanting to please you all – because I’m getting progressively more comfortable with following what it true for me, no matter what. I’ve learned that following the shine is what feels best for me and I have learned that I can remind myself I am good enough, no matter what. I can withstand disappointing you – as long as I am not disappointing me. That is unbearable.
I am re-membering who I am.
Hmmm, Re-membering My Self. Another title.
I’m loving your ideas. Keep them coming in your comments, emails and messages. Who knows where all this fun will lead?