It’s all about congruence

By Eilat Aviram

I don’t know about you but congruence is very important to me.

Congruence is when things match up with what I expect. Like I say I’ll do something and I actually do it. Or I think someone should behave a certain way and they actually do. Or a situation unfolds as I imagined it would. It’s calming to see the world flowing the way I believe it should.

Often it doesn’t though and like most people, I feel unsettled and out-of-control when things aren’t congruent. The unpredictability makes us feel unsafe and sometimes that comes out as anger and judgement,

Why isn’t this going the way it should?”

How could he do that?”

Incongruence in the outside world is unsettling, but in your inside world it can be devastating.

For example, when you want to behave a certain way but you just can’t stop yourself doing something else, you feel incongruent.

It’s not how you want things to be. It’s not who you want to be.

The times when you behave in ways that you know aren’t true for you, leaves you alone and unhappy and feeling bad about yourself or the world.

My work is all about finding congruence within yourself and in your life.

Living outside of your own Truth is extremely painful.

When we turn away from our Truth – whether we know we’re doing it or not – we look for ways to ease the pain and discomfort.

Your way might be food or alcohol or blaming someone, but no external thing can ease that distressed feeling inside because your world is not as it should be.

We’re never at peace if what we’re doing isn’t congruent with our Truth.

Those horrible moments that you do the things you wish you didn’t, are really valuable indicators that you’re trying to meet your needs through some substitute because we’ve turned away from what will truly nourish you.

Substitutes are never satisfying in the long term so the cycle starts again.

Notice an incongruence,

try to avoid the discomfort of it,

feel powerless,

find something external to try to feel better,

notice an incongruence…etc

We have so many things we use as substitutes for feeling congruent: sex, food, drugs, tv, cellphone, social media, work, busy-ness… the list can go on and on but all of these are just ways to check out of yourself; to not be present so that you don’t have to feel the painful discomfort of not behaving the way you wish you could, doing the job you long for, having the courage you think you should have…

When what we’re doing is not congruent with who we truly are or what we truly need, we often question and criticise ourselves;

I work too much,

I’m not good in bed,

I shouldn’t feel so depressed all the time,

I get too anxious,

I’m pathetic,

why can’t I get this right? 

But it’s probably not YOU.

The real questions to ask are,

“Am I doing what I want to be doing,

where I want to be doing it

and with the people I want to do it?”

Are you?

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Eilat Aviram is a Daring-Decisions Teacher.

She's worked with people for 25 years as a clinical psychologist, hypnotherapist, best-selling author, speaker and energy-healing teacher and she is passionate about helping people dare to love themselves in their moments of decision and find the courage to live their truth.

Eilat Aviram