Before the constant noise and busy-ness. When you had a Sunday morning to just ‘be’ and no-one would drag you out of your reverie. Wake up late, read a book, make yourself something to eat, watch a movie, hang out with friends and have long conversations, not leave the couch…
Or went to the beach, for a hike, to the movies on your own or with another adult…
Lately I’ve really needed my own space. My own time to do my thing – whatever it may be – without being dragged out of it to make a snack, wipe a bum, prepare supper, clean something someone else dirtied, urge resistant children to tidy up, brush teeth, get in the car…
Lately though, even when I get time to myself, I don’t feel satisfied.
Am I moaning and complaining? I think so.
I don’t like not getting what I perceive I need but I feel bad for complaining about what I have. What I have is so totally awesome.
Yesterday outside a shop I saw some young hip and happening guys pull up in a bright yellow, super-cool car. They hopped out in their oh-so-trendy outfits and haircuts and then, surprise, one reached into the car, pulled out a little ‘un, swung him onto his hip in a warm and comfortable intimacy and they headed inside. It looked so easy for him.
And I, Queen of “Don’t compare your insides to other people’s outsides”, compared myself to this illusion and wailed quietly, “Why is it so easy for him and so hard for me?”
Later I was reassured by a conversation with a friend who affirmed that other people have insides too. That this parenting thing demands a lot when you are conscious and want to do your best.
Consciousness is a double-edged sword at times isn’t it? Living unthinkingly seems to demand less – then again, you lose your Life driver’s licence, your sense of meaning and purpose, not to mention those very rich, beautiful moments awareness intermittently surprises you with.
I just KNOW I’m missing the point. I see the point. It keeps tapping at me, buzzing all around me. I’m aware of it, I engage with it a little but then I swat it away. So let me tell it, I see it:
I HAVE EVERYTHING I NEED AND WANT, RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW.
See Point? I know you’re there. I’m just avoiding you, that’s all.
The Baghavad Gita explores doing everything as a yoga, a purposeful conscious action that is in alignment with the Divine. Every action then becomes joyful – whether you like what you’re doing or not. Most spiritual practices speak of gratitude for every moment no matter how unpleasant. Modernised spiritual practice – aka Mindfulness – reminds me to be IN every moment. Then everything is FOR me, everything is enriching, life is satisfying.
So why am I resisting practicing this regularly when it’s obviously what I’m hankering for? My opening to gratitude and each moment has been like a flickering lightbulb. I fight, I struggle, it’s unpleasant and then I remember to open and suddenly everything is ok. I am at peace. I have stillness despite the busy-ness around me. The stillness is INSIDE me.
Then I forget again.
I’m writing today to acknowledge it and remind myself what I KNOW.
This moment, right now, is a perfectly contained bit of everything I want and need.
And this moment
And this one…
Bring your attention to your breath right now, notice it for a few cycles. As best you can, drop into your heart space – where you look at the world from your heart, not your head. Now open your heart to what IS.
It’s all good.
Do this 10,000 times a day and you will have all you want and need.
Let’s try it this week and let each other know how it goes?
Pass this on.