Well, I had to hand over a bean this week.
Yes, I shouted. But this bean actually didn’t hurt so much because I was loving with myself.
It happened when I was doing two things simultaneously and planning the other three things I needed to do like, yesterday! Along came my man asking me to do something for him, “I’m bringing it right now, please wait there” he said. He was doing something to benefit all of us, so I waited, jiggling my foot, mind full-speed on the logistics of what to do next. Along came my child asking me to come help him with something. “I’m just busy at the moment but I’ll come as soon as I can.” I told him. But of course children can’t understand that can they? And anyway, as far as he was concerned, I was just standing there for goodness sake. I wasn’t busy. I should come help him now. So he nagged and I was patient with that but inside I was starting to frazzle.
I was buzzing with five things to do, yet standing still and it felt like my man was taking a VERY long time. I could feel my boy’s urgency and I wanted to help him out – because his request was reasonable. I could help him quickly if only my man would just come back so I could do his thing already and then I could get back to the things I was doing… standing still, starting to emit smoke from my head – and then my child couldn’t handle the frustration anymore and HIT me.
Then a heartfelt sorry, then the bean.
But I didn’t beat myself up about it this time. These moments show me where I’m forgetting that I’m a precious, unique being of light and love, right?
So let me ask, “Why did I shout? What lie did I believe in that moment?”
Well, right in the nexus of being the most important person in that scene – the one everyone’s attention was on, the one everyone wanted something from – I felt completely unimportant. Who I was and what I wanted did not actually matter to anyone. Then on top of that I got smacked because I wasn’t performing according to my ‘master’s’ desires.
Smells like childhood…
Feeling unimportant is one of the most painful human experiences. In that moment, my inner child-self was loudly worrying that the reason nobody cared about me was because I was unimportant. Being hit was the validation of that – Gasp! “It’s TRUE!” The pain was unconscious and sudden and huge and in my child state it was unbearable so – like a child does – I shouted to get it out of me.
As soon as the shout was out, my adult-self came back in and I saw what had happened. And blessings be, I was kind with myself. I was glad I could give my son something tangible to say sorry, so the bean-giving wasn’t painful for my ego. And I was really glad I managed to internally hold, calm and stroke my little-self on the head and say, “Yes, that was a tough one wasn’t it? Sorry honey.”
Feeling seen and acknowledged by myself reassured me that I was in fact important enough – which was what my little-self had needed all along.
The whole thing probably took 5 or 10 minutes from start to finish.
Slowly I am recognising the signs in myself faster. Maybe soon I can report that I felt it coming and stepped in to reassure my frightened little-self straight away. It’s never true that I’m unimportant or not good enough. My task – and yours – is to remember my light and love myself.
How is your shouting / sulking / withdrawing in anger diet going? I’d love to hear from you.
Are you learning to spot the moments you have forgotten your beautiful true self? What have you done with those moments when you spotted them?
I could relate to experience of feeling unimportant for too long, not realizing it, and then pushing that pain out of me onto my kids. I love the way you peeled back so many layers of confusion to reveal the heart of the matter. Your writing is so helpful and important.
As the mother of 3 kids under the age of 9, I can say that I have figured out, at this point, that I blow my top a lot less if I take scheduled breaks from being the main parent on duty. When I can’t and I start turning into a Mom-Hulk-like creature, I don’t sulk or wallow nearly as long as I used to. Heaping too much guilt on top of another mistake doesn’t help change our behavior for the next time we’re tested.
Hi Rachel. I love what you are saying! Both the “peeling back the layers of confusion” which is what I’m striving to learn to do on the go in the heated moments (always did like a near-impossible challenge) and your suggestion of taking scheduled breaks. When you do that I suppose you are telling yourself you are important enough to listen to, right? So besides the sheer relief of the break, I’m so glad you are getting that message from yourself. And I’d imagine that at least knowing you have a Mom-Hulk in you may be really useful with three kids under 9 – congrats for learning to stop heaping guilt too much. I take my hat off to you!
Glad you joined us for the ride 🙂