Instead Of Blaming…

By Eilat Aviram

I was listening to an Esther Hicks recording and she said this to a man who was asking about relationships:

“The relationship you are seeking to achieve is the relationship between you and You. Then all the other relationships just fall into place.”


He asked her about relationship deal-breakers and she said: “Deal-breaker; that is a reality that I am forced to look at, forced to face because its being presented, that I cannot overcome with the power of my mind. It’s saying to your partner, ‘You have challenged my ability to create my own reality too much. Therefore I must leave you. It’s too hard for me’.”

There is something about her phrasing that really stuck with me. She’s pretty much saying that if I have a problem with something about someone it means I’m out of alignment with ME. Hmmm… So that means it’s not about you, it’s about me?

Ok yes, I know I’ve been saying this very thing for ages, and I even have a whole blog about it,think about it, write weekly about it, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy to understand! Each time I realise it again and it goes a little deeper in. I read a quote once that said, “The longest journey you will ever make in your life is from your head to your heart.” So it’s like that. When I heard what she said, my heart understood it a little more deeply.

I thought of a relationship I’m having some difficulty opening up to lately. I feel like I have my reasons for that and they seem to make sense, but at the same time I’m aware that my reasons just might be more like excuses to avoid intimacy than actual reasons.

So I looked at my list of Things Wrong With The Other and thought, “Ok, if this is about me and Me, how can I find alignment with my highest truth even in the face of these things that I judge to be not-the-way-I-would-do-it? Can I make a plan to feel good even as I stand here with this stuff that bugs me about this person?”

You see, if how I feel in the relationship is always about ME, and if everything which challenges or thwarts my good feeling is just an exercise for ME, then dammit, BRING IT ON!!! I always liked a challenge! Let’s be clear, I’m not asking for trouble, but if Trouble is already here – quick glance at my List of Things Wrong With Them – then I suddenly see that ‘Trouble’ is actually my trainer, my sensei, my guru, my Mr Miyagi.

I mean, who gets to decide if I feel good? Me or some silly judgement I have about how something ‘should’ be according to my preconceptions and fears? Wax on, wax off.

Yessirree. That list is my good friend. It’s training me even when I think it’s just messing me around – making me paint fences and wax cars (those who are lost on the whole Mr Miyagi, wax on wax off comments, check out movie Karate Kid which is profound in the way only an 80’s mainstream hit movie can be).

This is the point. When I feel crap I’m being shown that I’ve lost sight of my truth, my soul, my highest self. I’ve lost my perspective of what’s important. In my case I think I’ve been trying to make the person behave in a different way because I’m hoping that way I will be more open to connecting with them. If they change I will feel better and then it will all be fine.


Talk about giving away your power! I’d rather use the energy I’ve been wasting in trying to control them, to focus on doing what I need to feel good. Even when they do the things they do which make my spirit droop. This morning, as soon as I chose to connect with my Self instead of letting myself sink, I felt such relief. Then of course, my heart just opened of its own accord and we had a lovely time together thankyouverymuch.

Esther hammers it home like this: “In a relationship you want the freedom to continue to decide. The only thing you can control is your relationship with who you are. Say, I’m going to do my best to stay in alignment with who I am. This means the relationship has a good chance of surviving because my capacity to love you is not going to be contingent on anything that you do. I’m taking you out of that part of the equation. I’m going to take full responsibility for how I feel. I want to be in alignment without holding someone else hostage to standing on their heads in lots of different ways to keep me in alignment. My relationship with you is about my relationship with Source. I want to see how much time I can spend with you, with all of the variety that you might introduce into the relationship with me, while I stay in alignment with Source energy.”

I’m going to practice that with my partners and parents and kids this week (and for the rest of my life).

Who’s in?


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  1. This is so profound, Eilat. Thank you.

    How to begin to practice that alignment with myself. Kindness is the first word that comes to mind… I have been in such turmoil about my recent mother-me encounter. I have had such deep inner conflict and everyone else around me felt it, no matter how hard I tried to hide it. The wind was also howling, amplifying the inner noise! Then one night it rained and the next day the wind stopped. I had space in my mind to really think clearly. I sat and watched the waves and realised that I and my mother are one. My daughter and I are one. Anger and frustration towards my mother brings only anger and frustration towards myself, and in turn brings anger and frustration towards those around me. Seeing us as one and not separate entities, has brought great relief . This does not imply that I should invite my mother to visit me every day, or that I ought to expose myself to her at any moment, but it also means that I should not push her away in my heart or wish her out of my life, as I would then be wishing myself out of my own life. Complicated, but I have found such relief from this revelation. I would love to hear your thoughts on this.

    Love, ilse

    1. Eilat Aviram says:

      Ilse, I think you have come to that place of the deepest understanding – where we see we are all interconnected and that judge or reject ANYONE is to judge and reject ourselves. It’s the toughest and most nourishing lesson we have I think. And its my message about our children and our partners and our world. I will keep saying it over and over in as many ways as I can but you have just expressed it in a magnificent way. I can really FEEL it as I read. And I am so pleased for you that you have managed to find that stillness and within it that truth which brings relief.
      Actually you are telling me that through the noise of the vicious judgement of yourself about the encounter with your mother, you found a way to accept YOURSELF as you are. I could wish for no nicer thing than that for you and for any of us.
      Thank you so much for your honest and real sharing. It touched me and I suspect many others will feel that too.

  2. I am glad that I read this – it got waylaid in my inbox. Beautiful post.
    Beautiful Ilse. Namaste my friend. XX

    1. Eilat Aviram says:

      Isn’t she just? I think so too. Thanks Lisa.

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Eilat Aviram is a Daring-Decisions Teacher.

She's worked with people for 25 years as a clinical psychologist, hypnotherapist, best-selling author, speaker and energy-healing teacher and she is passionate about helping people dare to love themselves in their moments of decision and find the courage to live their truth.

Eilat Aviram