So the theme of the moment is anger. And shouting.
As you know from the last couple of posts I am getting quite an education in anger management lately. I’m being shown over and over by my blessed tiny teachers where my own childhood hurts cause me to react impulsively and unconsciously – What a wonderful healing opportunity for me.
As much as I know the ‘badness’ of it, I haven’t managed to stop shouting. I know it, I say it, I intend it but when that damn trigger comes I do it again! This repeated failing means my soul is trying to tell me something important about an old hurt that’s ready to heal.
I am DONE with this silliness. I want to figure this thing out and let it go.
I can see those tricksy triggers and I can see my roaring reaction (blush, blush) and I want to lovingly disconnect the hurts of my past from the things my children do now.
Lord help me!
Meanwhile, I’ve spoken to my children about my behaviour. I asked them to tell me when I’m shouting in case I’m not aware. I’ve told them I’m learning and trying and that shouting is not acceptable at all. “I’m sorry I haven’t managed to stop yet” I humbly said. “Does it at least help that I say sorry and talk about it?”
“No, not really.” says my boy. They have no mercy, dammit!
He told me nothing I do makes him feel better after I shout at him. A sad, silent moment for me. There’s not much to say when someone speaks that sort of truth.
“How about if I shout again I give you a bean to say sorry?” I suddenly asked. (When they do stuff that is awesome, helpful, kind, generous or impressive they get a bean. Together they decide on something they want to do, or get, and when their jar is full of beans they claim their well-earned good thing.) Giving a bean would be a tangible way to say sorry. My boy perked up, smiled slyly and said, “Now I want you to shout.”
But I was quite sure after that talk I wouldn’t shout anymore anyway.
Talk about a humbling moment.
He did something TOTALLY unacceptable. I mean one of those Did-You-Really-Do-That moments. An ‘Are you actually human? Do you have feelings?’ kind of thing. And I shouted! Not even a big shout as far as these things go, but he instantly shouted back at me with tears in his voice, “You have to give me a bean!” And I shouted back, “Yes I do.”
Having to give that bean after he’d perpetrated his nastiness was no easy thing, let me tell you. My ego didn’t like it at all, no sirree!
What suddenly I’m the bad guy??!!
I waited till I calmed down (the next day actually), we resolved his ‘crime’, and then I gave him the bean.
I plan to hand over no more beans in this manner.
Actually my plan is a 30-day (for starters) shouting diet. Abstinence. That’s it. I will shut my mouth and walk away when I am angry. That’ll learn me. That’ll make me engage with my feelings rather than throwing them onto him. I know it’s never about him anyway. I will go inwards not outwards and I will HEAL this wounding, yes siree.
Wanna join me for the diet? Whatever your vice is, anger, shouting, sulking, blaming, withdrawing, punishing, disappearing into your phone or laptop, disassociating… are you willing to see what healing shows itself when you actively stop doing it? It HAS to feel better than carrying around those triggers all the time…
And we can share how we’re doing.
I’d love company. What do you think? Are you in?
Pass this on. Spread the word. Let’s have a No-Shouting revolution! It would only take one generation of conscious, deeply loving parents to change the world.